Packing Tape
by Classy Whale
Summary: After Tony orders the wrong Xbox for Steve, he meets his greatest enemy yet...


**This story was suggested to me by The ShadowEye. Hope you like it! Also I don't own Avengers, Spider-Man, Deadpool, or** **Xbox.**

Steve Rogers' apartment was by far the tidiest in the Avengers' tower, lacking the clutter of archery equipment and beer cans (Clint), deadly weapons (Natasha), pop-tarts (Thor), boring science-y papers (Bruce), or virtually everything (Tony, despite Pepper's best efforts otherwise). The living room was very cozy-feeling, although Tony was still surprised by how many red, white, and blue home décor items Steve and managed to turn up. There was a large flatscreen TV on one wall, and while Steve hardly ever used it, it would do perfectly for the xBox Tony had bought him. Since Steve, Clint, and Natasha were off on a mission fighting a forgettable villain bent on taking over the world, Tony figured he would surprise Steve with a new piece of modern technology when he got back.

Tony set the package containing the xBox on the coffee table, and tried to pull it open without success. He then tried using his thumbnail to cut the tape, still to no avail. Perhaps Capsicle had some scissors...

There was a set of drawers in Steve's kitchen, which was remarkably clean, despite Steve having just made red, white, and blue cupcakes for everyone before he and the former assassins left on their mission. Tony began rooting through the drawers and cupboards, turning up a star-spangled spatula and two boxes of food coloring bottles with only the greens and yellows left, but, unfortunately, no scissors.

"Sir, are you aware that there are scissors sitting on top of the microwave in plain sight?" JARVIS spoke from overhead, making Tony jump.

"Of course I was aware of that!" Tony blurted, looking up at the scissors. There was a sign next to them saying, "Scissors Ex Machina."

"Now who left that here, I wonder?" Tony mused.

Deadpool decided that he had broken the fourth wall enough that day, so he escaped back into the Harry Potter world to return the invisibility cloak he had "borrowed." He would like to remind the readers, though, that he did a remarkably good job at keeping things k-rated.

Tony took the convenient star-spangled scissors back into the living room, where he finally cut through the tape and opened the package.

"What do you mean this is an xBox 360?" Tony yelled at nothing. "I ordered an xBox One! Ugh, I'm selling all my shares in Microsoft. JARVIS, get me packing tape!"

"Will do, sir," JARVIS said, placidly. Moments later, a robotic arm descended from the ceiling, holding a roll of packing tape.

"Perfect." Tony tore the wrapping off of the roll, then tried to tear himself a piece of tape. Unfortunately, the tape folded back onto itself, and when he tore this piece off, the rest of the tape stuck to the roll, and Tony wasn't sure where the tape actually began, even after he picked at it for awhile.

"JARVIS, call in the Mark Eleven!"

"Coming now, sir."

There was a long and awkward pause, then the door was thrown off its hinges as a red-and-gold suit of armor stomped into the room. It opened up for Tony to climb inside, then sealed itself again. With the Iron Man visor, Tony could easily find where the tape actually began, but, as he had never given the Iron Man gloves fingernails, it was impossible to peel the tape. Instead, he ended up disintegrating the entire roll.

"Crud," said Tony, as JARVIS handed him a second roll. "Still, that wasn't half as bad as what my last suit did to Natasha's car." Tony was pretty sure the aftermath of that episode had traumatized him more than fighting an army of space aliens.

Just then there was a blue CGI blur, and a moment later a blond young man clad all in blue was standing in front of Tony.

"Ah, Iron Man, pleased to meet you! My name's Pietro, but call me Quicksilver, because I'm, well, quick." He said all of this very fast.

"Who let you in here?" Tony asked, very much puzzled. "Was it Deadpool?"

Deadpool would like to remind the reader that he didn't exist in this universe due to stupid copyright stuff.

The author would like to remind Deadpool that fanfiction is a total legal gray/grey area to begin with, and none of his stories are very canon-compliant anyway.

"No, actually," said Quicksilver, ignoring the conversation between Deadpool and the author, "It was your computer friend, JARVIS. He called me and said you needed some help with packing tape."

"Where did you come from?" Tony asked.

"Sokovia. Only took two minutes to get here."

"I could've done it faster," said the X-men version of Quicksilver, zipping into the room.

"Me too," said the CW version of the Flash, zipping into the room.

"Me too," said the DCEU version of the Flash, zipping into the room.

"Let's find out, shall we?" said the original Quicksilver. "I love racing against good competition."

"Not yet, guys," Tony said. "First, I need someone to help with repackaging this xBox."

X-men Quicksilver and both Flashes sprinted from the room, creating a sonic boom that knocked Steve's pictures of Peggy and Sharon Carter to the floor. Tony still wasn't quite sure why Steve kept a picture of Sharon in his apartment – she had just kind of appeared out of nowhere and then all of a sudden they were kissing.

"I've got it!" said the original Quicksilver. Tony tossed him the packing tape. There was a blue CGI blur, and the next thing Tony knew, he, his suit, the original Quicksilver, the television, a radio, several candlesticks, Steve's bible, a vase of flowers, and an alarming assortment of red, white, and blue stuffed animals Tony had no knowledge of were all caught in a very sticky web of packing tape that covered the entire apartment, with the exception of the package, which sat blissfully untouched on the coffee table.

"What...have...you...done?" Tony breathed.

"This stuff is impossible!" Quicksilver moaned.

"JARVIS, get us out of here!" Tony yelled.

Unfortunately, the suit was entirely gummed up with packing tape, and Tony couldn't use it _or_ get out of it.

"Hmm, okay, kid, you're fast – see if you can break me free."

"No can do, sir," Quicksilver replied. "Packing tape is kind of my kryptonite."

"Okay, well, I guess I learned my lesson with the Mandarin. I now know that the only way to really solve a problem is to call in the Avengers. Soooooo...AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE!"

There was an awkward pause, then the sound of pounding feet.

"Ah, good," Tony said, "They're all here."

As it turned out, it was only Thor, a half-eaten pop-tart in one hand, being very loud as usual.

"MAN OF IRON! I SEE YOU ARE STRUGGLING IN GREAT PERIL! WELL YOU NEED TO STOP, BECAUSE IT'S HAMMER TIME!"

Thor held out his hand, and there was another awkward pause. "Any second now..." he said.

"Don't you have, like, super-strength or something?" Tony asked. "At least try to rip us out until Meow-meow gets here."

"Will do, Man of Iron!" Thor began to rip away at the tape, only to get it stuck to his hands. The elevator dinged, and Thor's hammer flew out of it and into his hand. "OKAY, NOW IT'S HAMMER TIME!" Thor tried to swing the hammer, but his entire arm was stuck, as was most of the rest of his body.

"Wow," Spider-Man said, looking in through the window. "This is the best webbing I've ever seen!" He swung away before Tony could call for help.

"Hey guys, I have an antidote for the tape's stickyness," Bruce Banner said, calmly walking into the room. "If you guys just calm down and don't panic..."

"Is that a quinjet I see headed straight for the window?" Tony asked.

The next thing everyone knew, Steve, Steve's shield, Clint, Clint's bow and arrows, Natasha, Natasha's weird electrocution thingies, the Hulk, the forgettable villain, the quinjet, and most of the wall had been caught in the web of packing tape.

"NUUUUUU!" the forgettable villain yelled. "YOU HAVE RUINED MY EVIL PLAN!"

"I have officially reached the point where I have given up trying to understand what's happening," Steve said.

"Same," Natatsha said.

"I totally need a packing tape arrow," Clint said. "Wouldn't that be cool, guys?"

"Legolas," said Tony, "Nobody cares about your arrows."

"NOOOOO!" Clint moaned.

"HULK SMASH PACKING TAPE!" Hulk yelled, flailing around and getting himself even more entangled.

"Well," said Tony, defeated, "I guess we can say we've had a good team bonding exercise, am I right?"

Nobody laughed.

Just then, Nick Fury walked in the door.

"Avengers, I have an important mis..."

There was the awkwardest of pauses as he stared at the Avengers, slowly raising his eyebrows. Finally, he turned on his heel and left, facepalming and muttering something along the lines of " _These_ are Earth's mightiest heroes?"


End file.
